Thoughts throughout Elul

I've been struggeling to think of a way to express my thoughts to Elul. It is, after all, the most intense time for Jews. The highholidays are starting any moment, we think of our past year and our new one. This is one of my favourite times of the year. It gives time to self-reflect and meditate on everything. It's the time of the hard question: was I a good person or not? Most people think about it and give to charity, which is amazing, but I feel we can all dig a little deeper then that.

While in (some) Kabbalistic ideas there is true good and true evil, and some believe it is predetermined if we are good or bad, I think it's way easier. We come to this world as neutral, get shapened by our paretns, family and other surroundings, until we are an adult, and later, we get to shape ourselves. Noone is stuck being a terrible person, and a good person can change to a bad one. HaShem gave us the gift og self-determination, if we seek it. I've met people who were actual Neo-Nazis, who changed their ways and are now nice and open hearted people (some might still struggle in certain fields, but that is manageable), I've met people who used to be super nice, until something happened and they chose to be an asshole. But I also saw it within myself: My Mom tought me to be a good human being, be polite, change the world to a better place. While I still hold on to that, I sometimes see myself losing my way. In the last year, in order to run away from grieving my mothers death, I worked myself into a bitter-overworked-underappreciated state, where I thought giving to people, who can't even say thank you, who are constantly criticising, was normal. It led to me being a worse friend, having little time for my friends, my pets, and the people around me. While I was in the hospital for a surgery, I read the book " When Breath Becomes Air", by Paul Kalanithi, I highly recommend it. When he told his story, of how he turned from Doc to Patient, he said something that stuck with me (next to the whole rest of the book): He asked his Doctor how she was doing, and she had a funny reaction. So I tried doing it with the Nurses and Doctors as well: Just ask them how they are doing. They all were suprised, some laughed, and some even said: "Well, we don't get that asked often.". Isn't it sad, how people who work for other peoples lives don't even get asked how they are doing? When did we become so busy, that we don't care about each other anymore? I saw it with other people as well: taking a small amount of time, being gentle and kind can change their whole day. I think 2 or 3 years ago, also in Elul, I was thinking of "How I want to better myself the next year", and I wanted to be less of a people pleaser. I wanted to be what my childhood self would seek to feel safe and seen. I wanted to learn more about judaism, I wanted to become Someone. I managed all of them, some better some worse. But somewhere along the way I got so tangeled up in the "becoming Someone" idea, that I was willing to push everything to the sides, just to archieve it. Now, I don't think my inner child would feel unsafe with me, but I feel they would be just as lonely, as with everyone else. I was so busy working and working that I lost track of time. Don't get me wrong, I still want to work on many things, but I also want to take time and appreciate what HaShem gave us. There is so much food, love, books, so many sunsets and so many times to laugh. I think it's time to get my hunger for life back. So where that leaves me, and what does this mean for other people: For me: I want to continue to grow and learn, but I also want to take Adonais gifts and appreciate them how they come. I want to breathe deeply through out the next year. I want to make people get to know my Mom, because she was awesome, and deserves to be known. I want to be more kind and attentive. I want to listen more, react less. I think our world has become so overwhelming and somewhat mad, that we all feel lost in a way. This is the perfect time to look at yourself, show yourself some love, but also see what you want to work on (do that gently, you are not just flaws, you are a human being, and loveable, being overly critical of youself is being overcritical of G*ds perfect work). Show love to what surrounds you. Maybe get a new houseplant, watch it grow over the next year, maybe document it. Maybe just call your best friend and ask them how they are doing, and mean it. Share food with a homeless person. Give yourself a big hug and thank yourself for all you did so far. Even if it's early: שנה טובה ומתוקה.